Three stories by Scott Alexander Siskind

“Is it true,” asked the student, “that the gods only have power because we believe in them?”

“Yes,” said the sage. “It is true.”

“If everyone believed I was a god, would I become a god?”

“You have said it.”

So the student traveled the land, dominant assurance contract in hand. Everywhere he went, he told the people, “Sign this contract, that if everyone in the land signs the contract, you agree to worship me as a god.”

The people were skeptical. “Why should we worship you.? But the student won them over. To the Northmen, he promised that upon attaining divine powers, he would stop their long civil war. To the Westmen, he promised to humiliate their enemies the Eastmen. To the Eastmen, he promised to protect them from their enemies the Westmen. And the Southmen, he promised to make them as rich as they currently were poor.

Click on The Gods Only Have Power Because We Believe In Them for the full post.

“Hello, welcome to the temple of the three omniscient idols, one of which always tells the truth, one of which always lies, and one of which answers randomly. I know you already signed the release form, but I’m supposed to remind you that Idol Temple LLC does not know which idol is which and cannot provide you with – “

The petitioner, a man with slick blond hair, cut me off. “Ha, no problem! I’m gonna ask each idol for next week’s Powerball numbers, then buy three tickets.” Before I could respond, he shouted “Left idol! What are next week’s winning Powerball numbers?”

“3, 15, 26, 63, 65, and 16,” said the left idol, in a voice like if a vampire bat could speak.

“Center idol, what are next week’s winning Powerball numbers?”

“8, 22, 24, 45, 50, and 55,” said the center idol, in a voice like the crackling of Venusian lightning against thick cloud-banks.

“Right idol, what are next week’s winning Powerball numbers?”

“Any who disrespect the omniscient idols by misusing their knowledge for sordid financial gain will, after their death, be sent to the bottom-most layer of Hell, where venomous worms will gnaw at their organs from the inside forever, never to know rest or surcease from pain” said the right idol, in a monotone.

“What?” the man asked me, helplessly. “Is that true?”

Click on Idol Words for the full post.

What can you say about writer’s block?

Hat tip to kottke.org.

A universal graph of every crisis

Hat tip to Cheryl Rofer.

I recall coming across versions of this before.  I don’t know who originated it.

The Jerusalema dance challenge

Watching this cheered me up.

Jerusalema is a gospel-influenced song in the Zulu language produced by South African producer master KG and performed by the vocalist Nomcebo in 2019.

In February, 2020, Frndómenos do Semla, a dance group in Angola, recorded themselves dancing to the song while eating and not dropping their plates.

Since then the Jerusalema dance has gone viral.  People all over the world are doing it.  (But I only learned of it day before yesterday.)

One minute time machine

Time for something a little lighter. [Hat tip to kottke.org]

SNL: Republican or not?

Wednesday Addams’ Thanksgiving pageant

This is from the 1993 movie, Addams Family Values, which is based on the TV series, The Addams Family.

Wednesday Addams grows up

The Addams Family was a popular 1964-66 TV series and a 1991 movie, based on Charles Addams’ New Yorker cartoons.  One of the characters was the little girl Wednesday Addams.

I didn’t know until the other day there was an adult Wednesday Addams series on YouTube.  I got a kick out of it, but unnfortunately it was terminated in the middle of second series because of copyright consideration.

This often happens for me.  I catch up with things after the world has passed them by.

Bohemian Catsody: a Rhapsody parody

Hat tip to Naked Capitalism.

Even though I’ve never been a cat owner, I think this is pretty funny.

Complaints choirs: Life is tough all over

Evidently complaints choirs were a big thing 15 years or so years ago, but I only heard of them last week.  They’re a fad that may have come and gone, but, to me, they are timelessly funny.

Dance! Dance! Dance! a mashup

The elephant in the room

The importance of wearing bicycle helmets

Jimmy Stewart tells a joke

Why ‘The Far Side’ was so funny

Gary Larson’s biography is on his web site.

Welcome to the modern world

Am I getting old?

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.  Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights”!  I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself.  Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually I’m not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager).  I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.  I don’t have to go to school or work.  I get an allowance every month.  I have my own pad.  I don’t have a curfew.  I have a driver’s license and my own car.  And I don’t have acne.  Life is great.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Hat tip to an old college classmate.

On growing older, but not necessarily wiser

Time for something lighter.  These two items were sent to me some time back by my old friend Larry Lack.

GOD’S PLAN FOR AGING

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Don’t worry about the snow

Dogs with a sense of sin

Some really awful (that is, good) puns

Riddles of the Sphinx II: Sustained Release Riddlin’ by Scott Siskind for Astral Codex Ten

A short tale of road rage

Can you name the missing seven states?

Via XKCD. Hat tip to kottke.org.

The Lex Luthor-Jean Luc Picard-Jeff Bezos look

I’m far from the first person to have noticed the physical resemblance between Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, Star Trek’s Jean-Luc Picard and Superman’s nemesis Lex Luthor.

There are all kinds of ways to make a living

The Bedbug Whisperer of Brooklyn by Laura Entis for The Outline. Hat tip to Steve from Texas.

‘Coffin confessor’ Bill Edgar paid to gatecrash Queensland funerals and speak up for the dead by Annie Gaffney and Sallie Rafferty for ABC News.